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By Sue Palmer, The Horse Physio
We’ve all had moments where emotions run high—whether it’s a child in meltdown, a horse who won’t load, or ourselves on a day when everything seems too much. In one of those parenting moments, a mother described telling her six-year-old son, mid-tantrum, to “use your words!” She later reflected that while the phrase paused the chaos for just a moment, she had never really explained why words could help (Why ‘Use Your Words’ Can Be Good For Your Kids Health, by J. David Mellor).
That reflection is important, because words don’t just communicate—they transform. Both science and experience show that the way we use language can change how we feel, how we heal, and how we connect with others, including our horses.
Decades of research into “expressive disclosure”—that is, using words to process difficult experiences—has shown real benefits. People who write or talk about stressful events often report:
fewer visits to the doctor,
reduced pain,
stronger immune function,
and even better outcomes for chronic conditions such as asthma and arthritis
This isn’t just psychology—it’s biology. Neuroscience studies reveal that naming an emotion activates the brain’s prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for regulation and decision-making. The simple act of saying “I feel angry” can lessen the raw intensity of the anger. Scientists call this “affect labelling,” and it gives us a tool to shift from being overwhelmed by our emotions to being able to work with them.
In psychotherapy, language can help people reshape their own stories. Jonathan Adler’s research found that when people in therapy began describing themselves with more agency—seeing themselves as the author of their own lives—their mental health improved. First the language changed, and only then did well-being follow.
Think about that: the words we use to describe ourselves can open the door to resilience.
When we tell our story—whether in writing or speech—we don’t just recall it. We reframe it. Neuroscientists describe this as “memory reconsolidation”: bringing a memory out of storage, reshaping it, and putting it back with new meaning attached. This is one reason expressive writing or talking about trauma can ease the pain of past experiences. We’re not stuck reliving them; we’re reorganising them.
In one study, women who had survived breast cancer wrote about their experiences. What struck the researchers was not only their pain but their reflections on purpose, relationships, and values. Their words gave shape to resilience.
Children, of course, don’t automatically “use their words” in the heat of emotion. Sometimes all they can do is lash out, cry, or freeze. That’s why emotion coaching—helping children name and explore feelings outside of crisis moments—is so valuable. Even simple check-ins like “What was the hardest part of your day?” can build emotional vocabulary.
When children learn to say “I’m so mad!” instead of hitting, they are learning agency. They are learning that words are tools, and that their story matters. Research suggests that this not only improves emotional well-being but can even support school achievement in children with emotional challenges.
Our horses don’t have spoken language, but they do communicate—constantly. Every flick of an ear, shift of weight, or change in breathing is a word in their vocabulary.
Just as we can miss a child’s emotion if we don’t give it space, we can miss a horse’s words if we don’t listen. A swish of the tail might be irritation, pain, or tension. A hesitation before a jump could be fear or discomfort. The Ridden Horse Pain Ethogram, developed by Dr Sue Dyson and colleagues, shows us that horses in pain use consistent behavioural “words” to tell us something is wrong. When we ignore those signals, we silence their language.
But when we learn to listen, and to respond with kindness, we transform our partnership. We show our horses that their words matter.
Words matter in every part of our lives. They are the bridge between emotion and understanding, between chaos and calm. They are how we author our own stories, and how we allow others—whether children, friends, or horses—to be heard.
And sometimes, the words don’t have to be spoken. They can be written in a journal, whispered into the air, or noticed in the quiet flick of an ear. What matters is that we notice, name, and respect them.
Because in noticing, we create space for healing. In naming, we create possibility. And in responding, we create connection. A gentle invitation
Next time you find yourself in a heated moment—whether with your child, your horse, or yourself—pause. Try naming what you feel. Try noticing what the other is communicating. See how it shifts the experience.
As the research shows, these small acts of language can build resilience, support health, and nurture connection.
After all, words aren’t just words. They are the tools we use to create harmony in our relationships, with our families, our horses, and ourselves.
🌟 About Sue Palmer, The Horse Physio
Sue Palmer MCSP, The Horse Physio, is an award-winning author, educator, and Chartered Physiotherapist. She specialises in both human health and equine well-being, with a particular focus on the links between pain and behaviour in horses.
Sue is passionate about helping horses feel more comfortable in their bodies and supporting their partners to better understand and respond to what their horses are trying to tell them. Her work focuses on:
Her goal is to enhance performance and promote a more harmonious, pain-free life for both horses and the people who care for them.
Sue is registered with:
✔️ RAMP
✔️ ACPAT
✔️ IHA
✔️ CSP
✔️ HCPC
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